Amazon.com, for a moment I hated you

We’ve been in this relationship for a couple of years now –and, until about an hour ago it was bliss.  So, imagine my surprise when I came home after a relaxing afternoon at the driving range to a UPS Failed Attempt Notice from the afternoon before.  You had decided to get a little fancy with the Super Saver shipping behind my back, even though designating it as the mode of preference was my nudge to you in the direction of using the inferior USPS.  See, I have this little commitment that keeps me away from my home during the day –call it a job, if you will.  Now, as you see, I can’t personally sign for my brand new copy of The Secret, even though I want nothing more to sit down with my copy ASAP so that, like Shannon Elizabeth, I too can harness the power of the Law of Attraction to last through the first day of the World Poker Tour (though, I’d use the power for more noble causes, like peace on earth).

I was livid.  So, I confronted you… I went directly to your website.  And like the others, I expected you to pull that customer service ghost routine: Your search –customer service– did not match any documents.  But, you surprised me Amazon.com.  Like a man, you took my number and promised to call.  And like a real man, just when I began to lose hope (about the time I pressed Submit) you did call.  No more than thirty seconds later I was on the phone with what sounded like an Indian national.  Yah, I was scared: would “Tom” (read: Vikram) understand the complexity of the situation, my motivations, working hours and need for convenience.  I expected no less from you Amazon.com.  Outsourcing to keep those margins high.  Typical.  Alas, one of India’s up and coming, best and brightest, Tom Vikram did understand.  He really got me.  He couldn’t understand why you’d abruptly change the preferred shipping method of a customer as special as me, and to make me feel better he even decried the notion of UPS.  “Pff… USPS is the cheaper alternative,” he said.  This little man really did you a favor, Amazon.com.  He convinced me that you were just trying to show me how much you care by providing me with extra security and a superior shipping service.  

I’m not going to lie.  It was uphill from that point.  My package was rerouted to work, a more convenient alternative now that I think of it.  My only concern now is to create a diversion on Tuesday so as not to let the higher ups onto the fact that I read.  No doubt, breaking up is hard to do.  But, you make it damn hard, Amazon.com.  I think I’m falling in love all over again.

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